Setting Boundaries as a Caregiver: Finding Yourself in the Midst of it All
A Guide for Gen X Women Navigating Caregiving, Perimenopause, and Self-Preservation
For the past decade, I have been a caregiver for my mother following her stroke. She lives with my husband and me, and I can tell you honestly this journey has tested every boundary I thought I had, challenged my marriage, altered my career path, and forced me to confront parts of myself I didn't know existed.
If you are a Gen X woman caring for aging parents while simultaneously navigating perimenopause, managing your own health, and trying to maintain some semblance of yourself, I want you to know: I see you. This is one of the hardest seasons of life, and the struggle is real.
The Weight of Guilt and Judgment
Perhaps the most insidious challenge of caregiving is the guilt, guilt for feeling resentful, guilt for wanting time to yourself, guilt for prioritizing your marriage or your own needs. In my experience, this guilt has been compounded by judgment from the very person I am caring for. My mother's comments about my relationships, my choices, and even how I spend my time have cut deeply.
Here is what I have learned: guilt is not the same as responsibility. You can be a responsible, loving caregiver and still feel angry, exhausted, or resentful. These feelings do not make you a bad person they make you human.
The judgment, particularly from those we are caring for, adds another layer of complexity. When the person you are sacrificing for criticizes how you are doing it, the emotional toll can feel unbearable. I have had to learn and am still learning that I cannot control her perceptions or seek validation from someone whose cognitive and emotional landscape has been altered by illness.
When Caregiving Threatens Your Marriage
I must be honest: there were times when I enabled my mother's needs to supersede my marriage. My husband became secondary, and our relationship suffered significantly. We struggled daily and continue to navigate this delicate balance.
What I wish I had understood earlier:
Your marriage needs protection, not just maintenance. Caregiving will consume every ounce of energy you allow it to take. Without conscious, deliberate boundaries, it will take everything including your partnership.
Resentment builds silently. When one person's needs consistently override the relationship, resentment grows in both partners. My husband felt invisible; I felt torn apart. Neither of us was wrong, but we were both hurting.
You are not choosing between your mother and your spouse. This is a false binary that guilt creates. You are choosing to honor multiple important relationships, and that requires difficult conversations, clear boundaries, and sometimes, uncomfortable decisions.
The Career Sacrifice
My husband and I had a retail business. We had to close it. The demands of caregiving made it impossible to sustain. This loss of income, identity, purpose, and the dream we built together added another layer of grief to an already overwhelming situation.
If you have had to alter your career trajectory because of caregiving responsibilities, please know this is a legitimate loss worth grieving. You are not being dramatic. You are acknowledging that caregiving comes at a significant cost, and pretending otherwise serves no one.
Navigating Perimenopause While Caregiving
As if caregiving were not challenging enough, many of us are simultaneously navigating perimenopause a time of profound physical and emotional transition. The hormonal fluctuations, sleep disturbances, mood changes, and cognitive shifts of perimenopause compound the stress of caregiving exponentially.
You may find yourself crying over seemingly small things, feeling rage that seems disproportionate, or experiencing brain fog that makes already complex caregiving decisions even harder. This is not weakness this is biology meeting an impossible situation.
What helps:
Recognizing that perimenopause is real and affects everything
Speaking with a healthcare provider about hormone support if appropriate
Being gentler with yourself during particularly difficult hormonal weeks
Communicating with your partner about what is hormonal versus situational (though both are valid)
How I Have Learned to Create Space for Myself
After years of putting myself last, I finally understood that if I completely depleted myself, I would have nothing left for anyone including my mother. Here is what has genuinely helped:
Daily Non-Negotiables
Morning meditation and exercise: I wake early, before my mother rises. This time is sacred. I meditate, I move my body, and I create space for myself before the day's demands begin. This practice has been transformative not because it solves everything, but because it reminds me daily that I exist beyond my role as caregiver.
Making myself first, then her: This sounds simple, but it required a complete mindset shift. I had to release the guilt of not immediately responding to every request. I had to learn that attending to my basic needs first did not make me selfish it made me sustainable.
Nature as Medicine
Getting into nature has been my lifeline. I am fortunate to have a spiritual walking trail near my home, and this space has become sacred ground for my own healing. Whether I am walking alone in quiet contemplation or guiding clients through walk and talk sessions, this trail offers something that no indoor space can provide, perspective, peace, and a reminder that there is a world beyond the four walls of caregiving.
I have found that many of my clients also find profound healing when we move therapy outside. There is something about walking side by side, surrounded by nature, that allows conversations to flow more naturally and insights to emerge more freely. The combination of gentle movement, fresh air, and the natural world creates an environment where defenses soften and truth can be spoken more easily.
Nature does not judge. It does not demand. It simply exists, and in its presence, I remember how to breathe again. For those navigating the intensity of caregiving, I cannot recommend enough the practice of regularly immersing yourself in natural spaces whether it is a structured walk and talk session with a therapist or simply time alone among the trees.
Practical Boundaries That Have Helped
Scheduled respite time: Even if it is just an hour twice a week, having time marked on the calendar that is mine alone has been essential
Communicating limits: Learning to say "I can help you with that at 2pm" instead of dropping everything immediately
Separate spaces: Creating physical boundaries within the home where I can retreat
Protecting my morning routine: This is my non-negotiable, regardless of what the day brings
Regular check-ins with my husband: Scheduling time to connect as partners, not just co-caregivers
What Support Is Available?
Many caregivers do not realize there are resources available. While the system is far from perfect, support does exist:
Practical Support Services
Respite care programs: Temporary relief care that allows you time away
Home care services: Professional support for daily activities, personal care, or medical needs
Adult day programs: Structured daytime programs that provide socialization and activities
Meal delivery services: Reducing the burden of daily meal preparation
Support groups: Connecting with others who understand the unique challenges of caregiving
Financial and Legal Support
Carer Payment or Carer Allowance: Government support for eligible caregivers (available in Australia)
Aged Care Assessment (ACAT): Assessment for subsidized aged care services
Financial counseling: Understanding what financial support may be available
Legal support for power of attorney and advance care planning: Ensuring proper documentation is in place
Emotional and Psychological Support
Individual therapy: Processing the complex emotions of caregiving
Couples counseling: Protecting and strengthening your marriage through this challenging season
Caregiver support groups: Both in person and online communities
Telephone support lines: Immediate access to someone who understands
Tools and Practices for Navigating This Transition
Therapeutic Support
Psychotherapy provides a space to process the grief, anger, guilt, and exhaustion that accompany caregiving. It offers perspective when you feel lost and tools for managing the emotional complexity of this role.
Hypnotherapy can help release deeply ingrained patterns such as the automatic guilt response or the belief that your needs are less important. It accesses the subconscious where these patterns live and helps create new, healthier responses.
Energy Healing addresses the physical and emotional exhaustion that accumulates in the body. It soothes the nervous system, releases stored tension, and creates space for renewal when everything feels heavy.
Self-Compassion Practices
Permission to feel everything: Your feelings are valid, even the uncomfortable ones
Releasing the myth of the perfect caregiver: You are doing your best in an incredibly difficult situation
Acknowledging the losses: Career changes, relationship strain, personal sacrifice these are real and deserve recognition
Celebrating small victories: Getting through another day, maintaining your morning routine, having a connected conversation with your spouse
Daily Grounding Practice
When guilt, judgment, or overwhelm threatens to consume you, try this:
Place both feet firmly on the ground. Take a deep breath. Place your hand on your heart and say: "I am doing the best I can. I am allowed to take care of myself. My needs matter too."
This simple practice reminds your nervous system that you are worthy of care not just as a caregiver, but as a human being.
The Truth About This Journey
Caregiving for an aging parent while navigating your own life transitions is one of the most challenging experiences you will face. It will test your patience, strain your relationships, challenge your identity, and push you to your limits.
But it will also teach you about resilience, about the depth of your capacity, and about what truly matters. It will force you to set boundaries you never thought you would need and to advocate for yourself in ways you never imagined.
You do not have to do this perfectly. You do not have to sacrifice everything. And you certainly do not have to do it alone.
Final Thoughts
If you are in the midst of this journey, please hear this: You are not selfish for needing support. You are not failing because you feel exhausted. You are not a bad daughter, wife, or woman because you want your life back.
You are a human being navigating an impossibly complex situation, and you deserve care, compassion, and support including from yourself.
The boundaries you set are not acts of cruelty; they are acts of preservation. And in preserving yourself, you actually become a better caregiver, partner, and person.
With deep understanding and solidarity,
Anna
If you are struggling with caregiver burden, relationship strain, or finding yourself in this journey, please know that support is available. You do not have to navigate this alone.